He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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