Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
