I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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