when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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