weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
