I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
