im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I look excited, but its just a facade.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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