I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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