yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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