my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Randomize
