I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
