There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
