Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
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