If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
