I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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