Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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