I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
