Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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