How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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