Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
