he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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