ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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