Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Randomize
