That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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