Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
