I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize