Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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