I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize