You can't special order awesome
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
