found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
