Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
