I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
