i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
