Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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