I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
