I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
