Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
