My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
