dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
