There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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