I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
