Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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