Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
is that a dick in a sweater?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
