I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
