i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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