my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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