I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
