I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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