I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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