I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
