Your mouth is God's brothel.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
