She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
