I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
