Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
my sisters under your porch take her home
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
