i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
